I guess there’s no right way or normal time frame one is held to when experiencing grief from a Miscarriage. But I can tell you what is helping me. I will go over the things I tried to get over my recent Miscarriage.
1. Talking About it
I didn’t expect this to be the first one. As we may know the M word isn’t a top table discussion. Nor is it widely educated in sexual education when we are younger. Yet, it’s so common according to our providers and peers. I experienced my first miscarriage just 8 weeks into my pregnancy. This was my second pregnancy. However, it did take us time to conceive. No pressure right? Well, I learned from the anxieties of my first pregnancy, that I was completely okay to be open with my pregnancy. There are too many stresses while first learning you’re expecting. Why is it “best practice” to keep it on the hush hush? I felt the exact opposite. I thought if it was in fact in the book of chances to have an M word, then I want as much support as possible going through the grief. Well, it happened. All was well just confirmed it and opened up to friends and family then bam! I slowly miscarried and soon passed tissue in the toilet. It was confusing. I didn’t understand. I first called my sister! Sent her pics. And she stayed on the phone until I could stop crying. I was terrified of the truth. She encouraged me not to Google search it. It was best to leave the explaining to the doctor in the morning. I then hung up with her and zip-locked the tissue because if that was the M word. I felt I needed to share that with someone. I had no book called miscarriages for dummies. I was about to enter an experience that no one, NO ONE, prepares you for. I cried to my husband who was almost offended of what I was going through. But then the stage of guilt hits. Have you felt this?? It’s okay. I would say that is normal too because you just start listing everything you ate, what you did and didn’t do, trying to come up with answers. The best thing to do is to let your close ones know what you’re going through. My husband texted his work in that instant and told me not to worry. When you do get the news and confirmation from the doctor, you already considered it as an option. So prewarn those who you will call when you walk to the car from the doctor’s office. It’s a hard conversation and you probably won’t even be able to say the words out loud, I couldn’t. I just know I needed someone to understand before even saying the words. The noun M. If this is something you’ve battled or are afraid of, tell someone. It will make the grieving process easier.
2. Listen to Suggestions
Yes. When someone says, “lie down, watch a movie”, listen. They are only trying to comfort you in the best way possible. Lay down. Take a bath. Take a shower. Relax. Eat some comfort food. I didn’t do any of these things at first. I felt like I shouldn’t pity myself. I felt as though, life goes on. I felt guilty for feeling guilty and tried to carry on with my regular routine. It sucks!! Don’t try to keep moving over the facts. It takes time to heal. I even told myself to suck it up out loud. Listen to suggestions. I didn’t and I felt horrible. I want to add that I have a 2-year-old. Someone suggested I ask someone to watch him for the rest of the day. I said no. I didn’t need someone to do my job for me. No one is going to blame you for wanting a mental break. If you’re nervous about not going to work. Don’t be. And just call in, you don’t need to share anything with anyone you don’t feel comfortable knowing your personal business.
3. Go Somewhere
If you’re reading this during Covid. Honey.. I’m so sorry. So was I. Nothing is open and everything is prohibited. So pat yourself on the back. That is extreme anxiety and stress all on its own. But if you can get away to a county without as many restrictions, do it. A break. You need to give yourself a break. Go to the grocery store. IDGAF. Get out of your house. The reason to get out the most is that you’re at home. The place where you feel more comfortable than anywhere. You might need a mental refreshment. Find your happy place. If that happens to be in the comfort of your own home, that’s awesome too. Just try to go somewhere if you can.
4. Start a Hobby
Now, I’m saying this in due time. Not the day you learned of the M word. No. Take your time in the best way you know possible. I already loved crafting, but crafts can be an outlet if you have the supplies. Sometimes starting a new hobby or routine can be something like habit tracking, where you add new aspects to your daily routine, setting up new goals that can positively impact you. Things I like to do are practice lettering, yoga, meditation, exercise, and reading a good book. It’s okay to add more to your day. It allows you to spend more of your day distracted. If you don’t read or know how to even stretch, it’s okay. Find something else. The point is there are too many hours in the day to sit around thinking about things you might have been thinking about until the noun M appeared.
5. Build Something
I seriously started a she-shed. I got my husband to get me pallets and we have a joint project that I probably wouldn’t have tackled had I been down the other path I was going. We are making a she-shed, for me of course, but it’s ours. I know it may take time to find the energy but once you put it into perspective of a new and different way to share with significant other you might get into it. It can be costly. So find something you both can make together. After all, they are experiencing loss too. It may not feel like they were in it with you as you have to bear all the hardship, the physical and the mental, but know that in some weird way. Making something new with each other can be just as rewarding. I don’t think you should hassle them into a project, I just think by explaining it in the way I just described helps. You together made the baby. You together can possibly find joy in making something else together. I hope this helps and makes sense while you are grieving.
These were my 5 suggestions of what people don’t tell you when experiencing a loss after a Miscarriage. I wish you well and hope you can find the closure you need. It’s not perfect. I’m still going through it and probably always will, but I am comforted in my attempts to put myself first. Be kind to yourself.