I know you’re going through it today. It may have been better than yesterday but you still want to hide. You’ve got no words to describe what you’re going through yet you wish there was someone sitting next to you. I know because I’ve been there. It isn’t easy what you’re battling. You know you’re going to get through it but WHEN? Why did this happen? Why does it feel like you started something amazing and huge but then poof, it just disappeared right before your eyes. It makes you feel crazy. Like, the Lindsay Lohan kind. Do you feel like you should have never got your hopes up. Well, I did. You may have so many people around you but you feel like you have no one who will get you. No one who will understand you.
I know because I’ve been there, lady. I know the emptiness and abundant space inside that you’re feeling. In your eyes you had a baby. You and your partner probably discussed names for him/her. You probably envisioned a lot. Like, I was thinking about the nursery and wondered if I should make it gender-neutral and after finding out the sex, wondered if you should change it last minute. You feel like this because you were pregnant. You were expecting. I want to tell you it’s okay to harbor those feelings. It’s okay to mourn and take time to yourself. Obviously, I would hope that you have mostly good days, but I’m also here to tell you, you will have bad days. You may even have good months, then one day you may think of them. I want you to know that it is just the process of grief. We all have to be okay with being different.
One major thing you may be researching right now, the whole reason you landed here on my page, is needing to know what to tell people. You wonder, what the heck you need to say to people who ask you 1. What happened? 2. How are you feeling? 3. Are you okay? 4. Are you going to continue to try again? LISTEN. If there is anything I know, you don’t owe anybody ish. You don’t have to tell the truth… And you most certainly do not need to lie. The fact is – it is on YOU to decide what you want to tell people. There’s no ‘right’ way to tell people what you’re going through. Because if you’re like me. You don’t know how to feel. Am I right?
I do want you to know you should have an idea of what you want to say for when they do ask you any of these questions you have something in mind and you say what you WANT to say – not what you think they want you to say. It may take time. Hey, you might even just plan to say, “you know, thank you for asking, but I’m not sure”.
I remember when I talked to a friend and I felt my heart crumbling as I told her – but I explained my miscarriage story like this…
“Okay, so I know you’ve never had a miscarriage before. It’s probably foreign for someone to even imagine what it’s like. But I want to tell you what it’s like so you can relate to me because all I want right now is to not feel like the only one experiencing this. I wish I had a friend to go through this with. Maybe take half the blow so it doesn’t feel so HEAVY. What I want you, someone who’s not experiencing a miscarriage, to know is, it’s like finding your perfect man/woman. You know, the one.. The one you’ve imagined and fantasized about your whole life, really, since you were a little girl. The kind of person you tell your friends, ‘when I settle down I want a man that’s going to be caring and respect me like he respects his grandma or mom’ Yeah, that kind of guy/girl. The moment you have that person that ONE, you don’t ever want to let them go. You can’t believe it’s true and you’re so happy. That person came into your life when you needed them most and here they are. You’ve been so patient looking for the ONE. At first, you’re a little hesitant to let the world know about them because gosh what if they don’t feel the same way? Ah, heck, I want to introduce them to all of my family. They’ve made me feel so special to this point I want to share this news with everyone. I know I’m in the honeymoon stages but WTH? I am just so anxious for my future with this person. I mean what could happen? Then I proceed to let everyone know about them. I think about what I will do for them for their first birthday? I can’t wait to see if they like my cooking and I just can’t wait to vacation with this person! They’re here. Then boom. It was all a dream. They break up with you. All of that mental planning for our future goes out the door. In a moment’s notice, gone. Like, wait… what did I do wrong? Did I love them too much? Did I not do it right? What did I do? Please give me another chance.. please.. This will break me. I was so excited for us. My family loves you. What will I do without you? How will I tell people about what happened to us?”
Then you look at your friend in the eyes, as they bawl, and even then that’s not even close to the pain you’re experiencing. You probably have already learned to dance over your problems at this point in your life. But friend, it’s okay if you’re amazing at covering it up and can appear to look ‘fine’ but who cares what they think. You are the one that matters. So if it feels better to lie about how you’re feeling to avoid random small talk, go for it. If literally it’s your next mission to bring it up at the dinner table with your husband – drill into him. (lol) I know people will ask. So here’s a free printable for things to practice saying OUT LOUD, to others and take from it what you need. Write it on a post it note in your mirror when you get up in the morning. It is much easier to say things when you’ve rehearsed it. Boo, there is no right or wrong. While this topic still carries so much stigma I, personally, still think it’s very important to talk about it – but here’s the catch – to the people you WANT to talk to about it. Not just anyone who is looking to strike up the first real conversation you’ve had with them. You’re in charge – you are the boss. Hope this helps – find more about me and my story by clicking any of my blogs or here and I hope you can find the balance you need in your life right now.