Have you ever heard that song by Kelly Clarkson or who I heard it from first Reba McEntire – Because Of You. That was my go to song when things got super emotional for me growing up. I know this might not be the best story for you if you’re going through a hard time but it’s a story that is mine and I love sharing it with those who want to know me best. We can harp on accomplishments and hardships but I love hearing about other people’s struggles to see how far they’ve come. I love hearing the emotions that people say feel like “quick sand” and they pulled themselves out of.
I lived in Seatac before going into the foster care system. At first it was myself and my older brother, my bio mom and bio dad. The earliest thing I could remember was when I was about 3 or 4 – my bio dad would cook us the most delicious ramen noodles (he’s full Thai) and used ingredients that got us hooked. I then remember the violence that lead my mom to move on to her next baby’s daddy where she had two children with, a little sis and a baby brother. We moved around a lot at the time but I do remember living down by the “R” where I learned later as the Rainier Brewery. So we’ve moved a lot.
My step dad had a lot of money and ended up bringing us all in once my siblings were born. I remember living in a nice house (nothing extraordinary) but I had my own room and we spent a lot of time in the basement where there were drumsets and guitars. I even remember the day he brought us a super nintendo and mario cart. It was so fun. I remember playing in the back yard and playing catch with my mean older brother. lol Still is to this day but you know, siblings fight, no big deal. I don’t remember ever seeing my dad, just knowing that I had a new dad was enough for me.
I remember thunderstorms and rushing to my mom for comfort. I didn’t like sleeping alone. I remember cooking my mom top ramen at age 4 and 5 because I must have thought it would comfort her when she was sad as it did me. I remember taking showers with my mom and helping her brush her hair. I remember leaving for school when the yellow bus got there and then just remembering we stopped going on that bus. My mom didn’t explain a lot to me then. But I used to help with my little siblings a lot! Formula bottles, diapers.. you name it.
My mom would cry a lot and be on the phone and it was just the 5 of us until one day my stepdad came home very mad. I won’t dive into all of the things but I will tell you there was destruction breaking TVs and my older brother’s walkman. I can’t tell you what he was mad about but mom would just explain ” daddy’s not happy, go to your room”. I didn’t know it but he was an abusive man. There was one time where my mom didn’t want to wake up and I remember my baby brother crying longer than usual. We would rock him but for the most part he didn’t cry as much.
Well this is where everything started. (caution: this part isn’t easy to hear). My baby brother wouldn’t stop screaming and he had rolled off of the couch onto the space heater. Let me stop right here to say. I know we weren’t that poor because I remember having food on the table. I remember having a nice TV to watch and play video games. I know we had heat. I did not know I was my brother’s caretaker and I called 911 asd my brother had been severely burnt. I didn’t carry this as my fault but I did feel bad for my hospitalized baby brother.
They took skin grafts from his butt and put them on his legs. I can just see them to this day. Crazy story really. Happy he is alive and we all are here but I didn’t know that this was going to alarm those at the hospital and cause CPS to be involved. I do remember having a favorite teacher who also must have been involved in our removal because she was my “Ms. Honey” I told her everything. From why my homework wasn’t complete to what I saw in the house. I had no clue it meant that I would have my mom taken from me. Which – forever is how I viewed the situation. One day, my older brother and I were in the front (hadn’t gone to school, so we had some time on our hands).
Some cops came to the house and we just so happen to be across from each other in the yard throwing knives in the lawn so they would land just in front of our feet. lol I can’t believe it either. We were up to all kinds of shenanigans. Played with fire the works. But that was my last memory in that house. There’s more in between but I believe I am more than grateful to be out and on a separate path. But Motherhood is very special to me. It’s been ingrained in me since a small child. I listened to that Kelly Clarkson song on the daily. It inspired me to be strong through the hard times, I learned to become resilient and didn’t let anything small bring me down.