I think by now we’ve all learned to cope with being stay at home parents one way or another since this pandemic. I wanted to check specifically on you mama’s who are fighting the grieving process at home, with your other kids. This is how I survived being a stay at home mom while mourning the loss of a pregnancy.
I can feel it right now. The tension and battle of being grateful for having a loved one at home with yet still so aware that you’re not fully attentive of your other child/children.
You feel a great deal of pressure to make your child happy but just down right and frankly, unable to get out of bed in the morning.
You can hardly look yourself in the face when you brush your teeth. You didn’t brush your teeth and that is the same t-shirt you’ve been wearing.
All the while you have to admit you have had some good days here and there but you cannot distract yourself enough to forget the bug elephant in the room. Everything is a constant reminder of what could have been.
Yet, honey, you still need to understand you have a child that’s not going to feed themself. Nor are they going to bath or brush their teeth or change their clothes in their own. It you, babe.
So you feel down…. what about your family. How can you feel like this when you have a perfectly healthy human right in front of you. You just think “how am I so shitty”. I hear you! Loud and clear.
You still have work, chores, bills, you name it, stacking up like the twin towers and you can’t even bear the whining from the other room. Because just this ONCE you want to go potty alone.
If this is you… you do not need to blame yourself. I feel it, 100 percento. I’m her. I’m you. I have a smart, independent toddler that counts on me every second. To clothe, feed, nurture and entertain. I am slacking and the dishes are just stacking.
There’s no outlet for you. There’s literally never ending cartoons in the background and butt wiping. We are so proud of our little ones. Yet we could def use a moment.
Ways I think will help you as a stay at home mom after a miscarriage are
1. Babysitter- find someone (involves asking for help) who can take jr to the park or a walk. Something interesting that is different than sitting at home.
2. Find a program that keeps them interested. I may or may not be suggesting YouTube. But there’s gotta be a program that has them hooked that they’re able to watch when you need some time. I mean like a good hour.
3. Mess free activities like of course it depends on the age, but building blocks, magic markers and magic coloring books (that don’t transfer off the paper). Paint on the window (dollop of paint in a ziplock and secure it completely and use painters tape to tape to the slider) kid will go crazy for days. Play dough. Build them a fort to read books in.
4. Bath time. If you work from home and can swing it bring your computer close to so you can be close – my kid can play in the tub for an hour. I love it, I work from the computer and we are good to go.
5. Innopad – learning pad that has different learning sheets. My son has become very knowledgeable on emergency vehicles and knows the different sirens for each truck. He knows how to switch out the sheets for a new one and goes to town. It’s educational and interactive.
6. Cardboard box – I am not kidding. How many of us keep that large, oversized box just because it’s the “toy of the week” because they said so… go for it, yes, it clutters the room but it’s great for imaginary play and your kid thinks they’re pretty cool when they are in it or they think they’re invisible hahah! Don’t believe me? Give it a go.
7. Phone a friend -literally, video call someone and see if they don’t mind talking with them for 20 min while you get your thoughts in order. Helps distract children and gives them the attention they’re seeking in the moment.
8. Play dates – ask a friend to meet up. Often times we SAHMs are worn out because we craft that adult interaction and play dates help the littles develop better communication and social skills but it helps you get out of your slump and have grown-up talk. Hands down, the best venting sessions are those with other SAHMs. Trust. If you don’t have one, you can go on Peanut to find some that you have something in common within your area. If you don’t believe me, give it a try. Hey, I also believe this wholeheartedly in the nicest way possible, but it’s easier to get over your current problems when someone else is venting about theirs. It’s a win-win. You have a listening ear and you don’t have to sit and dwell on your own problems. Just try it!
9. Walk – get out and get some fresh air. Does your child like the outdoors? Hells yeah they do. Bring them outside. Fresh air produces happy hormones, you get a little vitamin D and you’re getting your little one out. It doesn’t solve the piles of laundry or dishes, but it helps you have a better outlook on it.
10. Audiobooks and podcasts- since the beginning of the pandemic I have made it a point to educate myself on ANYTHING. Why? Because I started to feel dumb and uninteresting. Yes. We all feel these hurtful things about ourselves. But I know I don’t have time to read a physical paperback. So I took it upon myself to listen and I got so good at it. I’ll share this back my counselor taught me. Download Libby. If you have a library member you can rent any of their audiobooks, it’s free and there are more titles than you can imagine. Just Pinterest or Tik Tok favorite titles and you’d be surprised how much it pulls you out of the dumps. You feel better and smart!
Either way, you’re powering through a major loss mama. You weren’t built to carry it all. Grieving can be such a drawn-out process. Some days you won’t have the energy at all. You have to learn to be okay with that and if anyone gives you shit tell them “This is why we can’t normalize miscarriages, too many people trying to tell us we’ve had enough time to grieve”. I will for you. But it’s not okay to believe them and run over your feelings because they are real. We need more people in our lives looking to walk a day in our shoes, and that my friend is what we lack, empathy and we are so quick to forget perspective and what that can do and change in this day. Please be kind to yourself and remember to self care as we don’t hold down the household.