It’s super late and I cannot sleep. I’m not going to deny it, but I know I’m new to the blogging world, and coming up with content can be a chore. I wanted to see who else had similar experiences and lulls after a loss. How do you send love to the ones you’ve lost?
We went to a small get-together for the 4th of July and I didn’t feel too emotional until the fireworks started. It made me feel this pit in my stomach. I don’t believe I’ve ever had anxiety when it came to fireworks but this year I definitely did. If you have a great explanation, maybe I could learn a little from you, and feel free to send me a message or comment.
But isn’t it strange that in a comfortable environment you can all of a sudden feel out of place and like the only one in the room like you?? I guess it could have been the few drinks I consumed but I felt pretty isolated.
There were so many people having a good time and I was too, but then there came a point, where I was blaming my stress on the fireworks. Maybe it was the fireworks. I’ve never had an accident or witnessed one, so again, there’s no known trauma. I found myself having trouble enjoying the fireworks. Which is not me.
I remember a time when my husband (at the time my boyfriend) and I almost always forced him to go downtown Seattle with me. Just to be in a large crowd and to see the sparks. This year… not especially. Like, I wanted to see people for sure, and Covid has got me on another level. But I didn’t want to talk about my feelings, but I think I missed being pregnant and thought ‘If I was still pregnant, I wonder if this would scare the little baby‘.
Sounds crazy to have anxiety about something that could have been an issue. But in that light, I was ashamed of my anxiety. I don’t think I’m the type to come up with problems for the sake of doing so, but that night… yes, I was coming up with reasons I had anxiety. I know it would have been awesome to be pregnant on the fourth, but at that moment I felt robbed.
When I should have felt thrilled to 1) be at a party 2) surrounded by loved ones 3) having celebratory Jell-O shots. But meh… at the moment, I wanted it to be over. That’s okay. If you feel like this. It’s completely okay, I’m lucky to have my husband, to who I can voice this to.
I suggest finding anyone to vent these feelings to. I honestly have considered getting more counseling. Loss is so profound and stressful at the same time. I don’t regret my feelings. They are as real as the day I found out I was pregnant, and they deserve to be legitimized. Yours do too.
The most powerful thing happened to me and the party, once the show was over, they pulled out these paper lanterns. Side note: When I was in high school I went to Thailand and there was a lantern ceremony. The ceremony was to pass off a wish or a message to a loved one who had passed.
At that moment. I’ve never felt so fulfilled. I asked for a pen and I started writing. If you haven’t heard of lighting lanterns I encourage you to do so. It’s a sense of comfort you wouldn’t believe. I wrote a message to my angel and to my husband’s grandpa who recently passed as well.
2020 is a hard one, but it won’t be the death of me. I’ve been through way too much to give up. I’m too brave to give up. We need a purpose in life, a reason to keep pushing. We can only be the best we can in our moments.
Those moments can be high and low, that is the flow of it, but we must always pick it back up and continue where we left off, I cried tears of joy and tears of sadness and I won’t lie – anger.
I wanted much more than that moment with fireworks and family. But when I let go of that lantern and sent it to the sky, a weight was lifted, and just like that… my mood changed for the evening.
I feel, in life, we are given little windows for our emotions. That is something to keep in tune with and we shouldn’t miss out on those opportunities. Take the time you need to compress and then come back, sis. You’re doing great even when you don’t think so. You are loved by so many. You are important and people value you. Send your message to the sky. They are listening.
